The Mental Darkness Of Addiction

The problem of the addict centers in his mind.

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Feeding The Dark Wolf

I have this internal condition that condemns me to seek approval from others every day of my life. It is a never ending internal dialogue of desperate need to be accepted, liked and loved for who I am. Yet I have no idea who I am. My addiction to others approval of me is blatant and yet my thoughts deny this fact. Despite this I am terrified the world will find out who I really am and if the world knew the truth about me, I would be rejected and cast out by the very ones I seek approval from. This is my big secret to keep from the world. I come to realize that my thoughts and actions towards others are bizarre. Although I desperately seek to be accepted for who I am, I keep the truth of who I am hidden from the world. In other words I want you to love me for the person I am but I will make sure you never know the real me. You are to accurately read me as the lovable and likeable person that I  think I am without discovering the truth about me. This internal condition I suffer from is strangely insane and yet my confused state of mind assures me that my behaviour is perfectly valid. This alcoholic way of thinking becomes the only normal way of life for me as after a while of living in this frightened state of existence, I cannot see the truth from the false.

As long as I can remember I have always felt that I am not enough and therefore not liked and loved. A feeling of incompleteness and separation from other people dominate my thoughts and behavior. This is my approach towards anyone who enters the arena of my life. Although I always feel less than others, I will mentally dissect those around me through my judgement and opinion of them just to feel like I am on the same playing field. Yet when I am alone I retreat back into my state of desolation and separation from world. As a result of this I always feel awful about myself.

The truth of my reality is that I have an obsession of the mind that I have no control over. This obsession demands of me that I seek refuge from the mental onslaught of never feeling enough. It condemns me to seek ease and comfort from my feelings of incompleteness and always being aware that I am less than everyone and everything. It is like an internal itch that always needs to be scratched, and the more I scratch the quicker it spreads.

My very first alcoholic beverage instantly converted my feelings of incompleteness into a euphoric sense of ease and comfort. After consuming a few beers nothing mattered, I did not care anymore about my perceived own inadequacies or what people thought of me. The alcohol quietened down the constant self loathing chatter in my mind. It granted me freedom from my feelings of separation and isolation from others. It silenced the fear that had owned me all my life. The effect produced by alcohol was like divine intervention of blissful calm over the troubled waters of my ever busy mind. It made me feel like I was finally enough. Good enough for anyone or any situation I would have to face in life. The effect was magical. Who in their right mind would not want to feel like this? It was a feeling of ultimate power within me and control of all of those around me. This was my kingdom now where I could rule my universe and nothing else mattered.

This is the exact point where the alcoholic or addict falls prey to the tragedy of his/her own obsession of the mind. The obsession has finally been silenced with the effect of ease and comfort delivered by alcohol and for a while it appears to vanish under the temporary shadow of mild or severe intoxication. This is usually the point of no return for the alcoholic. This was my point of no return 38 years ago and I had no idea of what was happening to me let alone the darkness of addiction that was yet to come.

After my first encounter with alcohol I find myself thinking extremely fond thoughts of getting drunk again soon, of consuming that powerful effect so potent, nothing can harm me when I am full of this magical power delivered by alcohol. I feel a sense of profound excitement every time I think of drinking again. It is like my whole existence has taken on a new meaning, it felt like I had finally arrived at a place within myself I could call completeness and peace, a place that I could call my home. I finally felt like I belonged (although I had no idea what I belonged to), and the only fear I had was that my next drunk may be a bit too far away for me to cope with.

Every time I thought of my next drunk, a sense of ease and comfort overcame me, and for a short period of time I felt at peace with the world and others around me. I had never felt like this before. I was the guy who always felt like the fly in the ointment or the disharmony in the choir. I preferred to lurk in the shadows of life where others seemed to love their exposure to their groups. I always felt like the outcast of my tribe, and yet when I drank I felt like their king. For many years in the exile of my drinking did I consider this way of thinking and behaving abnormal in any kind of way. By default this behavior became the only ordinary way of life for me, a life of self torment commuting from the dark shadows of self loathing to the bright lights of my egocentric alcoholic Disney World. Fantasy and lies ruled my mind for many years.

Delusion – A lie that one believes to be the truth

At this point it is not hard to see that I was in fact suffering from a delusion so insipid, it could make a Hyena blush and cower from its kill. This delusion convinced me every day of my life for 21 years that I had full control of my drinking throttles and that drinking was indeed very good for me despite the overwhelming evidence that drinking was really a very bad idea.

The delusion that I suffered from was so powerful, had it not been for the intervention on me and my drinking, I would have faithfully followed my delusion to the alcoholic graveyard.

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To sum it up in simple terms, an alcoholic drinks essentially for the effect delivered by alcohol. This effect is an almost euphoric sense of ease and comfort, a deep feeling that all is good. Therefore alcohol was just a symptom and the effect of ease and comfort becomes the alcoholic’s solution to a life he fears to face all alone. Alcohol is the alcoholic’s medication that treats his internal problem of incompleteness and separation from others. Alcohol appears to put a broken and shattered life back together again. This is the great betrayal that alcohol sells the alcoholic. Unfortunately for every alcoholic or addict the fact is that one day without warning the effect of ease and comfort disappears and the more chemical that is consumed the more loneliness and fear becomes the effect that is delivered. Slowly but surely the addict endures this loneliness to a point where he starts to wish for the end. Long gone are the glory days of infectious and exciting intoxication, only to be replaced with the black abyss of terror and bewilderment. A constant feeling of impending doom is the awakening thought and all hopes and dreams of a peaceful and productive life are shattered by the agony of knowing there is something dreadfully wrong. It is like an unnamed emotion that feels like death itself.

The real terror is born out of the hideous realization that there is no way out of the dark deep hole of incomprehensible despair. This is a place of ultimate suffering and humiliation that only an addict can know – the place of “No way out”.

It is the day that arrives for every addict where he realizes that drinking or drugging is no longer working for him and not drinking or drugging is not working for him, and there is absolutely no friendly direction at hand. All he can think of doing is checking out of his misery.

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Paul Nobes – Author and Addictions Specialist

 

The Alcoholics Physical Reaction To Alcohol

Why The Alcohol Lacks The Power Of Choice and Control Over Alcohol

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Ever wondered why once you have one drink, ten or twenty are not enough? Why is it that normal drinkers can have one or two drinks, walk away satisfied and yet the alcoholic is just getting warmed up after two and cannot stop once he starts?

Let me describe what would happen to me, the alcoholic, once I took a drink;

I have already described the reason why I was so desperately attracted to alcohol in the first place, I became obsessed with the effect of ease and comfort alcohol gave me. After all who in their right mind would not want such a powerful force inside of them, a force that could take on anything that life had to throw your way?

This is the mental short circuit that takes place in the mind of an alcoholic. On top of this mental condition, there is also a physical reaction that takes place.

When I take a drink, I break out in an irresistible yearning for another drink. The only thing that will satisfy this yearning is another drink. This physical reaction occurs with every drink I take and can only be satisfied with another. When I drink the drink takes me. This is where I lose the power of choice and control over alcohol and I could never accurately predict how many drinks I would have in one sitting. This physical action of alcohol on the alcoholic was described by Dr Silkworth as a phenomenon of craving. It is a physical allergy in the alcoholic, which means an abnormal reaction. This allergic reaction to alcohol only occurs in the alcoholic and never in the average temperate drinker. It has been proved beyond doubt that these allergic types of drinkers can NEVER use alcohol safely. The insanity of it all is that the alcoholic has no idea that this abnormal reaction is happening to him every time he drinks. No idea what so ever.

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Now you know why once you start you cannot stop! Surely then all you have to do is stay away from the first drink? But you can’t stay away can you? Like me you have gone through dry periods where you have promised yourself and maybe others that you are done! Cutting down! Laying off the booze! But you can never stay stopped can you? As an alcoholic I could never ever achieve permanent abstinence from booze. I would at some stage find myself picking up the first drink, the one and only drink I should never take! Once that happened the rest was history. I would emerge remorseful full of promises of “never again!” and yet at some stage after the next spree would occur and the hideous cycle would happen again and again. Why? Why can I never put it down and leave it down? Well remember alcoholics have this mental obsession for the effect. An obsession so powerful that even wild horses cannot keep him from drinking. Driven by the overwhelming desire for the effect produced by alcohol, the alcoholic takes his first drink, the physical allergy kicks in and all bets are off!

This insidious cycle of self-destruction becomes the only normal way of life for the alcoholic and although he tries desperately to control and overcome his drinking under his own power, the fact is he lacks power over alcohol and does not even know it. It is not hard to observe by now that the alcoholics dilemma is pretty hopeless. Alcoholism is in actual fact a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body. It is a level of insanity that is beyond human understanding and yet as real as night and day.

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Paul Nobes – Author and addictions specialist.

 

Alcoholism – The No 1 Reason For Relapse Is Not Understanding The Problem

Understanding The Primary Disorder Called Alcoholism

 We suffer not from the events in our lives. But from our judgement about them! – Epictetus

 20170411_071324Lost In the Wilderness of Addiction

“The alcoholic suffers from an obsession of the mind that condemns him to drink against his will” – Dr William Silkworth

Alcoholism Part One – The Mental Obsession

I have this internal condition that condemns me to seek approval from others every day of my life. It is a never ending internal dialogue of desperate need to be accepted, liked and loved for who I am. Yet I have no idea who I am. My addiction to others approval of me is blatant and yet my thoughts deny this fact. Despite this I am terrified the world will find out who I really am and if the world knew the truth about me, I would be rejected and cast out by the very ones I seek approval from. This is my big secret to keep from the world. I come to realize that my thoughts and actions towards others are bizarre. Although I desperately seek to be accepted for who I am, I keep the truth of who I am hidden from the world. In other words I want you to love me for the person I am but I will make sure you never know the real me. You are to accurately read me as the lovable and like able person that I am think I am without discovering the truth about me. This internal condition I suffer from is strangely insane and yet my confused state of mind assures me that my behaviour is perfectly valid. This alcoholic way of thinking becomes the only normal way of life for me as after a while of living in this frightened state of existence, I cannot see the truth from the false.

The problem of the alcoholic centers in his mind.

As long as I can remember I have always felt that I am not enough and therefore not liked and loved. A feeling of incompleteness and separation from other people dominate my thoughts and behaviour. This is my approach towards anyone who enters the arena of my life. Although I always feel less than others, I will mentally dissect those around me through my judgement and opinion of them just to feel like I am on the same playing field. Yet when I am alone I retreat back into my state of desolation and separation from world. As a result of this I always feel awful about myself.

The truth of my reality is that I have an obsession of the mind that I have no control over. This obsession demands of me that I seek refuge from the mental onslaught of never feeling enough. It condemns me to seek ease and comfort from my feelings of incompleteness and always being aware that I am less than everyone and everything. It is like an internal itch that always needs to be scratched, and the more I scratch the quicker it spreads.

My very first alcoholic beverage instantly converted my feelings of incompleteness into a euphoric sense of ease and comfort. After consuming a few beers nothing mattered, I did not care anymore about my perceived own inadequacies or what people thought of me. The alcohol quietened down the constant self loathing chatter in my mind. It granted me freedom from my feelings of separation and isolation from others. It silenced the fear that had owned me all my life. The effect produced by alcohol was like divine intervention of blissful calm over the troubled waters of my ever busy mind. It made me feel like I was finally enough. Good enough for anyone or any situation I would have to face in life. The effect was magical. Who in their right mind would not want to feel like this? It was a feeling of ultimate power within me and control of all of those around me. This was my kingdom now where I could rule my universe and nothing else mattered.

This is the exact point where the alcoholic or addict falls prey to the tragedy of his/her own obsession of the mind. The obsession has finally been silenced with the effect of ease and comfort delivered by alcohol and for a while it appears to vanish under the temporary shadow of mild or severe intoxication. This is usually the point of no return for the alcoholic. This was my point of no return 38 years ago and I had no idea of what was happening to me let alone the darkness of addiction that was yet to come.

After my first encounter with alcohol I find myself thinking extremely fond thoughts of getting drunk again soon, of consuming that powerful effect so potent, nothing can harm me when I am full of this magical power delivered by alcohol. I feel a sense of profound excitement every time I think of drinking again. It is like my whole existence has taken on a new meaning, it felt like I had finally arrived at a place within myself I could call completeness and peace, a place that I could call my home. I finally felt like I belonged (although I had no idea what I belonged to), and the only fear I had was that my next drunk may be a bit too far away for me to cope with.

Every time I thought of my next drunk, a sense of ease and comfort overcame me, and for a short period of time I felt at peace with the world and others around me. I had never felt like this before. I was the guy who always felt like the fly in the ointment or the disharmony in the choir. I preferred to lurk in the shadows of life where others seemed to love their exposure to their groups. I always felt like the outcast of my tribe, and yet when I drank I felt like their king. For many years in the exile of my drinking did I consider this way of thinking and behaving abnormal in any kind of way. By default this behaviour became the only ordinary way of life for me, a life of self torment commuting from the dark shadows of self loathing to the bright lights of my egocentric alcoholic Disney World. Fantasy and lies ruled my mind for many years.

At this point it is not hard to see that I was in fact suffering from a delusion so insipid, it could make a Hyena blush and cower from its kill. This delusion convinced me every day of my life for 21 years that I had full control of my drinking throttles and that drinking was indeed very good for me despite the overwhelming evidence that drinking was really a very bad idea. Phew! Glad I got that off my chest!

The delusion that I suffered from was so powerful, had it not been for the intervention on me and my drinking, I would have faithfully followed my delusion to the alcoholic graveyard.

To sum it up in simple terms, an alcoholic drinks essentially for the effect delivered by alcohol. This effect is an almost euphoric sense of ease and comfort, a deep feeling that all is good. Therefore alcohol was just a symptom and the effect of ease and comfort becomes the alcoholic’s solution to a life he fears to face all alone. Alcohol is the alcoholic’s medication that treats his internal problem of incompleteness and separation from others. Alcohol appears to put a broken and shattered life back together again. This is the great betrayal that alcohol sells the alcoholic. Unfortunately for every alcoholic or addict the fact is that one day without warning the effect of ease and comfort disappears and the more chemical that is consumed the more loneliness and fear becomes the effect that is delivered. Slowly but surely the addict endures this loneliness to a point where he starts to wish for the end. Long gone are the glory days of infectious and exciting intoxication, only to be replaced with the black abyss of terror and bewilderment. A constant feeling of impending doom is the awakening thought and all hopes and dreams of a peaceful and productive life are shattered by the agony of knowing there is something dreadfully wrong. It is like an unnamed emotion that feels like death itself.

The real terror is born out of the hideous realization that there is no way out of the dark deep hole of incomprehensible despair. This is a place of ultimate suffering and humiliation that only an addict can know – the place of “No way out”.

It is the day that arrives for every addict where he realizes that drinking or drugging is no longer working for him and not drinking or drugging is not working for him, and there is absolutely no friendly direction at hand. All he can think of doing is checking out of his misery.

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Paul Nobes – Author and Addictions Specialist

Paul is the founder/owner of GHOL (Get High On Life) Recovery From Addictions Services

 

 

Step Zero: Willing To Go To Any Lengths

“If you want what we have and are willing to go to any lengths to get it, then you are ready to take certain steps.”

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We are told before we start working the program of recovery that we need to be “willing to go to any lengths” to overcome our addiction. Why do we need to take such extreme action? Why can we not just trundle through the 12 Steps and live happy ever after?

The alcoholic finally gets to a point where he has ONLY two options and one choice that he can make. These options are; Die the alcoholic death or work a spiritual program of action. To me some of this was extreme action. If you are alcoholic then deluding yourself into believing that there may be easier, softer options available could be fatal. In my case as an alcoholic I either need a lot of vodka or a lot of God. My disease will not settle for anything less.  It is not possible to have both, my disease will take one or the other and that is entirely up to me which option I take.

What does being willing to go to any lengths mean? It begins with the alcoholic accepting the truth of his situation, the truth of his reality.

Acceptance of one’s reality as an alcoholic is defying the law of addiction. It is the act of surrendering a deluded mind warped by our drinking into accepting that we are in actual fact not in control of our drinking and we are indeed lost in the wilderness of addiction.

Acceptance of one’s own dilemma can be explained in many ways.

I like to explain the act of surrender with a heart warming story about an Elephant that completely defined her own life purpose against all the laws of nature and logic. My understanding of surrender to my reality came through powerfully as I witnessed the event I am about to describe.

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During a weekend vacation at a wildlife sanctuary near Harare we came across an astonishing example of perspective re engineered.

A few miles into one of our game drives in the park, we observed the massive shape of a female elephant emerging from the afternoon shade of the Msasa trees. The elephant was closely followed by a substantial herd of buffalo following her in an organised single file. The elephant came to a halt 50 metres from where we were parked and the buffalo immediately surrounded her and set about their task of peacefully grazing. The elephant stood guard over the grazing buffalo with a watchful eye.

We all realized at once that we were witnessing a complete freak of nature right before our eyes.

It was almost impossible to accept the scene taking place in front of us, and yet there existed a sense of natural acceptance within this total mismatch of nature. It was not hard to see that the Elephant had accepted the buffalo as her tribe, and was the fearless matriarch of the herd. The buffalo were at peace whilst feeding under the protection of their larger than life leader.

How had this happened?

The elephant was a rescued orphan and had been the first elephant to arrive on site a few years ago. There were established herds of buffalo roaming the plains of the game park and the elephant had chosen to set about her task of acceptance into what she perceived to be her tribe. Her natural instinct for survival had obviously driven her to adopt and dominate the herd of buffalo. She had gone to the extreme lengths of putting her life on the line to achieve her place in the herd by defending her leadership against potentially dominant male buffalo who had made the mistake of challenging her authority and she had fought many of them to the death. She obviously didn’t give a hoot about her physical differences and was at peace with her tribe and her role to play as leader of pack.

This elephant had achieved what we may consider impossible. Our game guide had mentioned in the beginning that the elephant was mentally and physically confused. I had to disagree, to me she had ended up in a situation which left her no option but to accept reality of being the only elephant on site. She obviously had identified that becoming part of the buffalo herd was her only chance of survival and she had become willing to go to any lengths to achieve that regardless of her differences to the others.

To me it was a wild animal accepting her reality, and setting about the task of adapting to her potentially fatal situation to suit the new environment she found herself in. In other words instead of trying to change the world around her to suit herself, she changed her attitude to suit the world around her. As a result one could see she had found freedom within her adopted herd and elephant and buffalo lived together in harmony. An almost impossibility had become a small miracle of nature.

Before taking Step 1 we are asked if we are willing to go to any lengths to achieve sobriety. Being willing to do this is a requirement, it’s what qualifies us to work the program of recovery.

In other words we are being asked this question: “Are you now willing for the first time to adopt a new attitude towards life? Are you ready to disengage from your drinking, cease fighting anything and everything and become willing to change your attitude from insisting that the world fits into your life to suit you, to you fitting into the world around you?. Are you willing to join a new tribe, a new herd and adapt your attitude to suit the herd and not your own selfish means that have nearly destroyed you?

I call this requirement of willingness to go to any lengths Step Zero. It is a futile exercise taking Step One if you have not taken Step Zero. If you have not accepted the truth of your reality then Step One is a futile exercise. If you have not accepted your lack of power over choice and control of alcohol, then taking Step Zero is impossible.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

An Addict In Abstinence

The Emotional Predator In Me

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Below is a description of the restless, irritable and discontent condition of the alcoholic/addict once in a state of abstinence from alcohol or drugs. In other words this is what happens in the mind of a sick, suffering and untreated alcoholic/addict once he stops drinking or using drugs:

Although I look like an adult I remain childish, grandiose, and emotionally immature.

My natural state of being is one of anxiety, depression and fear, coupled with an intense desire for excitement. A condition of being that renders me restless, irritable and discontent with life.

Mentally, my thought life is controlled by 100 forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking and self-pity. All of which drive me to live my life according to selfish, self-seeking and frightened motives.

I want it all! This renders me emotionally sensitive.

I have a strong tendency to take everything I see or hear personally.

I don’t like criticism and will be damned if I can stand praise.

When it comes to suffering emotionally, I don’t suffer well, I don’t suffer alone.

Socially I am a bankrupt idealist, a brooding perfectionist who lives defensively and guarded in fear of being found out. As such I tend to rationalize, minimize, justify and deny all of my actions while casting blame on innocent people in an attempt to avoid attention.

When it comes to my fellow men and women, I demand absolute possession and control of everything, everybody and every circumstance that enters my arena of life.

My response to you is that I am quick to anger and slow to virtue and get a distinct and twisted pleasure out of criticizing everyone I see.

The constant thoughts that run through my head are: “I don’t fit in, I don’t belong, I am not a part of, oh my God what is wrong with me? I must be different!”

The only thing that will satisfy that restless, irritable and discontent state of mind, is alcohol or drugs.

Mark Houston

 

 

Ignorance To Addiction Sparks Death

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Ignorance – The No 1 Killer of Addicts

Unfortunately addiction is the world’s number one cover up operation, dominated by misinformation, shame, guilt and ignorance to the disease.

An addict takes his/her own life and the world is appalled at the selfishness of such a tragic act of ultimate self-will.

The judgements and opinions of people run wild in condemnation of addiction and suicide.

Worst of all the usual great cover up operation commences as reports of the suicide are blamed on depression or gross emotional and mental disorders.

Never the less, the ignorance to addiction marches on and very little effort is made to educate and help people understand the epidemic of addiction that has spread through the world like a bad rash with contagious and rapid consequences of death and destruction.

As an Addict In Recovery, My Response Is This:

Have you experienced the bewilderment, terror, frustration and despair of a mental disorder so powerful it convinces you to hate yourself every minute of your life?

Have you ever experienced the incomprehensible confusion, guilt, shame and remorse over your behaviour that has disgusted your loved ones to a point of wanting to end your life every day, as you know you cannot control it, and no one can help you overcome it?

Have you ever experienced the hopelessness of knowing that the only solution to your terror and despair is another drink or drug? Nothing else works! Nothing!

Have you ever experienced the hurt, pain, loathing, contempt and fear in the eyes of your loved ones that cuts your soul like knife and consumes you with a feeling of uselessness beyond any kind of imagination?

Have you ever experienced an internal force so powerful and baffling, it has absolute power and control over your emotions, your thoughts and your actions towards others in a way that is indescribable?

Have you ever experienced the horror of a delusion which convinces your mind that one day, just maybe one day you can control your addiction despite overwhelming evidence of a your tragic history that you are screwed and doomed to die an addict death?

Have you ever experienced a restless, irritable and discontented mind that can drive you to the point of insanity, unless you are filled with the hope of the ease and comfort that a drug or drink will bring? Peace and calmness is all an addict desires but is incapable to achieve this with his own fractured and broken perspective on life.

Have you ever experienced the awful realization that you cannot live without drugs and you cannot live with drugs and all you can do is wish for the end?

Have you ever experienced addiction and all the bedevilments of this hideous disease?

The addict dies of the disease called addiction! Addiction serves up many insidious forms of death, but the ultimate cause of death is addiction, a condition of mind that tricks the addict into thinking that the chemical he is using is saving him, when in reality it is actually killing him.

Carry on hiding and denying the truth about the addict in your life. Keep on living in ignorance to the disease. Continue to hope that this will just go away one day and you are assisting in the certain death of your loved one.

It is now time to speak out about the truth of addiction. It is now time for the world to learn exactly what addiction is. It is now time for people to STOP pretending addiction is a pesky little nuisance to others around them. It is about time you ceased hiding your sick secret of your child addicted to heroin, or your brother drinking himself to death every day, or your spouse pouring cocktails of pills down their throat just to get to sleep or overcome their pain.

The longer you refuse to acknowledge there is a problem, the further your loved one will continue to progress towards the place where they wish for the end.

It’s now time to help your addict save his/her own life. What is YOUR decision going to be?

Help is at hand. Yes! We can help, but only if you are willing to cast aside everything you think you know about what’s best for your addict. You need to be fearless! We will help you with that. You will need courage we will help you with that. We will walk this journey of recovery and miracles every step of the way, all you have to do is allow the help to happen.

Paul Nobes – Author and Addictions Specialist

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The Descent Into Addiction

Addiction – The Destruction of Everything Good in Life

Very slowly an uncontrollable feeling of dread and loss of control slowly descends upon the family. What once was a happy and functional group, gradually begins to break down in the impending great cover up operation of secrets, lies and deceit. This leads to an emotional, psychological and spiritual crisis in the family that deepens with every lie, cover up and refusal to accept the situation for what it is.

The family starts to get sick.

The family always knew there was an awful problem, but now when the family gets sick, the same is true for the addict or alcoholic. The addict consumes the drug for the effect produced by the drug. In the beginning this effect becomes an external solution for an internal problem of incompleteness and a collapsed perspective on life. It works extremely well for a while, but eventually addiction starts to demand the impossible of the addict. It drives the addict through 100 different forms of fear, self delusion and self pity to desperately seek the effect from drugs or drink, which by now is only achieving the effect of self centered fear, bewilderment, terror and desperation. It is no longer working like it used to! The demand for the effect now begins to replace other morale responsibilities. Deceit and dishonest motives now rule the roost and dictate the downward spiral of the addict and his/her family.

The addict’s priority is now his drug or drink, he is serving the new master called addiction everything else becomes obsolete.

Now the addict is leading the double life which keeps the family in the destructive center of fear and hope. He is hiding a terrible secret and as a result has to role play and change the colors of his character and behavior like a chameleon stuck in the midst of a rainbow.  This provokes all sorts of character defects like resentment, guilt, shame, anger and fear. The addict begins to isolate in fear of being found out, his terrible secret must never be uncovered no matter what!

In the family patience wears thin, tempers flare, secrets are kept as the addict and family desperately try to postpone or avoid the self imposed crisis that looms. He becomes a liar an actual and emotional thief and is now lost in the fatal malady of addiction that demands of the addict his only hope for salvation is either a drug, drink or death.

Fear becomes the dominant force among the family as the crisis has now become overwhelming. Overdose, car accidents, jail, calls in the early hours of the morning, money and possessions go missing, all dignity and intimacy has now been sucked out the room as the great impostor called addiction rips through the lives of the family like a hurricane.

Yet no one wants to admit to the truth of their reality. No one wants to admit that they are losing their addict to a slow and hideous end. Certain members of the family start to isolate, others become lost in their fear and anger at the hopelessness of the whole situation. No one wants to own up to what their gut instinct is telling them, and yet the addict is dying right in front of them. Everyone involved gets sicker.

What started with a couple of beers or a joint in the younger prowling days, has ended up in a life and death struggle where there will only be one victor.

Over time the family has very gradually had to accept the unacceptable, re calibrate ethics, morale standards and dignity to a much lower level than is required to keep a family healthy. They have learned to live within the sickness of addiction, merely focusing on their own survival whilst desperately hoping for a magical solution to the crisis that never comes. All they have been doing up until now is swapping positions in front of the firing squad.

The disease of addiction has confused and baffled the family to a point of dysfunctional behavior. Only a concerted and highly focused effort can bring about change and help save the addict and the family from impending doom.

Paul Nobes

 

 

 

Live a Life That Matters

Live a Life That Matters

Appreciating what you have and not having any kind of expectations of other people is self empowerment.

Putting value on my self-awareness way above the opinions other people have of me, is the key to true inner freedom. It is the gateway to living a life that matters.

Ready or not it will all come to an end.

There will be no more sunrises, no minutes, hours or days.

All the things collected whether treasure or valuables, will pass to someone else.

Your wealth, fame & temporal power will shrivel to irrelevance. It will not matter what you owned or what you were owed.

Your grudges, resentments, frustrations, & jealousies will finally disappear.

So too, your hopes, ambitions, plans, and to-do lists will expire.

The wins & losses that once seemed so important will fade away. It won’t matter where you came from, or on what side of the tracks you lived, at the end.

It won’t matter if you we’re beautiful or brilliant even your gender & skin colour will be irrelevant.

So what will matter how, will the value of your days be measured.

What will matter is not what you bought, but what you built,

Not what got but what you gave.

What will matter is not your success, but your significance.

What will matter is not what you learned but what you taught.

What will matter is not your competence, but your character.

What will matter is not how many people you knew, but how many people will feel a lasting loss when you are gone.

What will matter will not be your memories, but the memories that live in those who love you.

What will matter is how long you will be remembered, by whom and for what.